Guidepost 4: Cultivating Gratitude and Joy; Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark

For a long time, I thought joy and happiness were the same thing and  gratitude was the prayers you mumbled before dinner. As shared in my previous post, I became a parent for the first time during the pandemic period—a time that really shone a spotlight on my relationship with scarcity and my fear of the unknown. It felt like there were very few places I could call safe, and I was constantly worried about the health risks for both me and my baby. The news was a constant barrage of anxiety-inducing headlines (particularly with the relationship between African-American descent of people and police in America, predominantly), and I found myself wondering, "What kind of world have I brought this innocent child into?”

It wasn’t until a few years later that I realised my coping mechanism was actually practicing gratitude. Each day that ended with us all at home, physically healthy and safe, I was grateful. It was like a little light in the darkness, helping me feel the joy in simply making it through another day unscathed, even when the world outside felt like it was crumbling. I realise now, that similar to allowing oneself to feel positive and negative emotions to practice being resilient; practicing gratitude enabled me to feel the joy.

Once I consciously started practicing gratitude, I noticed mindfulness popping up a lot. At first, I was baffled because I thought gratitude was just about saying prayers, which I already did. Turns out, there's a big difference between associating gratitude with an attitude and actually putting it into practice. We all have our own ways of expressing gratitude, whether it's a "Thank God that went well" or "Phew, the universe is on my side today.” It just happens to be that gratitude  evolved into something I do at the end of each day, reflecting on three great things—whether it's about my day, my kids, or how we all interacted.

Gratitude has become my go-to ritual at the end of the day. Whether it’s jotting down three awesome moments, celebrating how I connected with my kids, or appreciating how they got along and embraced our family values, it’s all about highlighting the little wins. It’s so easy to get sucked into what’s not working, that sight of what is going well is lost. Neurologically, we cannot be judgmental with ourselves about this — it is the evolutionary burden we all carry where our amygdala (the part involved in emotional processing), responds strongly to negative stimuli, leading to a heightened focus on negative experiences. It’s like having an internal alarm system that loves to spotlight the negative stuff. Knowing this can actually be empowering. When we mix in a bit of mindfulness, we start to see where our focus is, and suddenly, a more balanced perspective comes into play. As someone that struggled to understand the concept of joy, or its difference to happiness, now I get how practicing gratitude really opens the door to genuine joy.

As parents, we need to practice gratitude with our kids, helping them combat that neurological tendency to focus on the negative. It's not just about building resilience; it's about helping them find joy and live fulfilled lives. My kids are too young to journal, but I've found a way to squeeze in gratitude chats on the way home from school. I ask them to share a few good things about their day. Sometimes, they focus on the bad, but pressing them to find something positive often turns their day around. For instance, this is how a conversation went this week;

“Hey sweetie, how was your day today?” I asked Az.

“Not good,” she replied.

“Oh, what made it that?” I asked.

“I was a bit lonely because no one was playing with me,” she replied with a sad look.

“I see how that can have you feeling lonely. Did you ask anyone to join you?” I asked.

“No, because I am a bit shy,” she said, looking down at her fingers.

“Ah, I know that bubba and it’s ok to be shy. Although sometimes, you have to ask someone else that’s also on their own because you might both be shy together. What do you think?” I replied with the question.

“I suppose,” she said.

“Do you think you could ask someone tomorrow if no-one asks you?”

“Well…..I suppose. I’ll try that tomorrow,” she replied.

“It’s ok to feel shy bubba, although remember yesterday Alex asked to play with you and even though he was chasing you and you couldn’t run fast enough, you had fun and that made your day good. So you can also ask him. Maybe he feels shy too,” I said.

“Oh yes mummy, I had a less lonely day yesterday. Maybe I’ll ask Alex tomorrow,” she replied with a smile.

“And what about you baba, how was your day?” I asked Oz.

“My day had good and bad. I was playing in the sand pit with Henry and Malek and we had so much fun. Then I ate all of my lunch which was yummy but when we went outside, I was playing with the bike and Henry pushed me. That made it bad,” he replied.

“That sounds like quite a full day of fun. So what was in your lunch that made it so yummy?” I asked.

“It was the pasta and the bits on the side,” he replied.

“Is that the bolognese sauce?” I asked.

“I don’t know that word mummy, but it was yummy when Dani mix it together,” he said.

“Oh, well I’m glad you enjoyed your lunch and fun playing with your friends,” I said. “Can you tell me what you did after Henry pushed you?”

“I pushed him back and then Joana said that it is not kind and we should use kind hands.”

“Joana said something clever there. Is that something you can do?”

“Well….Maybe Henry needs to leave me alone,” he replied looking afar.

“Sometimes that’s not possible baba,” I said, “there’s many of you and I think Henry will be coming back tomorrow too. What do you think about telling Joana when Henry pushes you?”

“But when he pushes me it makes me upset!” he exclaimed.

“I know. We’ll talk to the teacher about it tomorrow, ok?”

“Ok, that’s a good idea,” he said.What strikes me about this conversation how easy it was to elaborate more on what they perceived as bad in their day. Some days, they'll chat about the good stuff, but other days, they get stuck on what went wrong.

I've found that nudging them to think a bit more and find something positive can really turn things around. For instance, Az isn’t much of a chatterbox so I focus on key points. So when I reminded her that she previously experienced a less lonely day, it brought her a moment of joy and highlighted that she needs to be courageous and not let shyness hold her back.

Using these simple moments helps them draw strength from past joyous experiences when facing uncertainty. It's not something that comes naturally to me—I'm learning this as an adult and a parent, trying to rewire those pesky neurological pathways. I wish for my children to have an easier time in adulthood; especially as they navigate their teenage years. My greatest hope in this is that my children will grow up having less of a hindrance from scarcity mindset I wrestle with. From my chat with Az, I know she might face rejection when asking other kids to play. Unless she learns that she belongs and is enough just as she is, she might retreat into the comfort of shyness. Life isn't always comfortable, even when you're doing what you love. It's crucial to believe in your own "enough-ness," no matter the circumstance. If rejection happens (which is a considerable element of scarcity), we'll tackle it then, but for now, I encourage her to step out of her comfort zone.

Negative thoughts can be a powerful cycle, feeding into each other and creating a stronghold that drags us down. Our brains start viewing new experiences through a negative lens, as if we've already lived through them. Not encouraging Az to approach others because of her shyness could make her feel like she doesn't belong. This goes against what she needs to live a wholehearted life, where she knows she belongs and is loved. It would limit her approach to new interests and prevent her from living wholeheartedly. Sure, some experiences sting, but as parents, we need to help our kids see the difference between a circumstance and their being. Tapping into the aspects of wholehearted living makes it easier to handle tough times. I never want my kids to feel like they're not enough. I want them to know that no matter what, they belong and are enough.

Brené refers to her friend’s book - The Soul of Money referring to how for many of us, we wake up and a first thought is “I didn’t get enough sleep”, “I don’t have enough time.” How true is that? We spend so much time complaining or worrying about what we lack. Our language is in the most unconscious ways riddled with what’s not enough. No wonder our children also pick it up and start using the same language towards themselves. Our language is unconsciously riddled with scarcity and it's no wonder our kids pick it up too. We need to be mindful of how we communicate because if we want our kids to be better than us, we have to nurture ourselves too. It's not about obsessing over our flaws or ensuring our kids don't inherit them. It's about recognising how we hinder ourselves from living wholeheartedly and wanting better for our kids without judgment but with compassion.

If you're grappling with scarcity like I am, start with contentment. I practice gratitude at the end of each day, fully leaning-in to how content I feel about those experiences. One question I ask myself daily is, "What did I achieve today?" Sometimes, the answer is as simple as, "I was patient with my kids this morning and got them to school safely and on time." This helps combat my "I don't have enough time" mindset. Mindfulness, paired with compassion, is key to being aware of where scarcity resides in your life.

Wise words by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso, “When the turbulence of distracting thoughts subsides and our mind becomes still, a deep happiness and contentment naturally arises from within.”