Guidepost 6: Cultivating Creativity; Letting Go of Comparison

When I first read this chapter, I was puzzled by the idea that cultivating creativity could be linked to letting go of comparison. It took a second read for me to truly sit with the discomfort it presented. The snippet below, from the book, captures my why:

“Comparison is all about conformity and competition. At first it seems like comforting and competing are mutually exclusive, but they’re not. When we compare, we want to see who or what is best out of a specific collection of alike things.” We may compare things like how we parent with parents who have totally difference values or traditions than us, but the comparisons that really get its riled up are there ones we make with the folks living next door, or on our child’s soccer team, or at our school. We don’t compare our houses to the mansions across town; we compare our yard to the yards on our block. When we compare, we want to be the best or have the best of our group.

The comparison mandate becomes this crushing paradox of “fit-in and stand-out!” It’s not “cultivate self-acceptance, belonging and authenticity”; it’s “be just like everyone else but better.”

It’s easy to see how difficult it is to make time for the important things such as creativity, gratitude, joy and authenticity when we’re spending enormous amount of energy conforming and competing.” pg 122

This realisation made me uncomfortable because it highlighted my journey toward self-acceptance, both for myself and as a parent. As I've shared before, self-acceptance is a daily practice for me. In some areas, like parenting, I'm more self-accepting. I know what I want for my children and stand by it, even when I differ from other parents. It's challenging, especially when friends assert their opinions without appreciating that it's okay to have fundamental differences in how we raise our children.

These comparisons extend beyond our immediate circles. Social media presents a deep, dark hole for many parents, encouraging dangerous comparisons that erode acceptance. From conception through childbirth, we know only love and acceptance for our children. Yet, as we and our children engage with the wider world, we start making decisions based on others. This competitive and comparison-driven norm is so ingrained that we don't realise the dangerous message it sends to our children. It shifts the focus from belonging to merely fitting in—terms that are interchangeably used yet bear such different meaning. Fitting-in; looking for approval outward. Belonging; looking for approval inward.

As children grow, fitting in rather than belonging can lead to a loss of connection. They spend more time with peers, and as parents, we must work harder to maintain that bond. Especially when they look to their peers for attachment. Technology, while beneficial, can be detrimental if not managed carefully. Children often encounter apps before parents can assess their impact on young developing minds, leading to comparisons that erode self-acceptance.

Dr Gabor Mate & Dr Gordon Neufeld wrote a book that remains (in my opinion) the most relevant book in attachment and recalling our children: “Hold On to Your Kids”. In the beginning of the book, under The Impact of the Peer Culture; they write

“The chief and most damaging of the competing attachments that undermine our parenting authority and parental love is the increasing bonding of our children with their peers. It is the thesis of the book that the disorder affecting the generations of young children and adolescents now heading toward adulthood is rooted in the lost orientation of children towards nurturing adults in their lives”.

I cannot help but feel that, more than ever, nurturing our children with a strong foundation in self-acceptance, belonging and authenticity, would help them tremendously sift through the changes that come with the advancement of technology. It would help them assert themselves in knowing what works for them and what does not. Perhaps it would even encourage them to tap into their creativity and live less in competition and comparison.

As most things go with parenting, the physical attachment we have with our children, in infancy, must evolve to an emotional bond; finally evolving to a psychological attachment. We need to be their safest emotional-cushion to land on when they struggle to process something that is going on in their peer-world. We need to model language and behaviour that fosters internal approval rather than comparison. Additionally, if we use language that is comparative to their peers, even with the best intention, they learn to look externally for a sense of belonging.

Interestingly, Brené Brown's research shows that cultivating creativity combats comparison — and I can finally see how. Engaging in activities that feed our souls helps us express ourselves authentically. Artists, photographers, and creators channel their skills into capturing moments deeply connected to their inner selves, free from competition or comparison. This self-acceptance allows the world to experience our originality without comparison.

Cultivating self-acceptance encourages our children to appreciate each other's originality without needing to compare.
As Brené says,

“Letting go of comparison is not a to-do list item. For most of us, it’s something that requires constant awareness. It’s so easy to take our eyes off our path to check out what others are doing and if they’re ahead or behind us. Creativity, which is the best expression of our originality, helps us stay mindful that what we bring to the world is completely original and cannot be compared. And, without comparison, concepts like ahead or behind or best or worst lose their meaning.”

Creativity helps us remember that what we bring to the world is unique and incomparable.

As a parent, I strive to create space for my children to practice authenticity, rooted in self-acceptance. Considering I would like them to have that sense of belonging I shared in previous blog posts; Parenting through the Power of Love & Belonging, it takes courage, compassion and connection to truly accept our whole selves. My child, Az, has a blank book which is great for pencil drawings. The content of this book, so far, is bits of drawings here and there, a letter to a school-mate and stickers. One evening I was surprised when she picked it for a bedtime story. She proceeded to read a wordless book based on things that only existed in her memory and yet I could see how much relevance it had to her to the end. Interestingly, when she picked it again, the story remained the same as when she read it the first time; with just as much relevance. It is not my place to say that this is not a story book. I simply need to appreciate that is her creative way of writing a story, whether it makes sense to me or not.

Through their innocence, my children find creativity easier than I do, untainted by comparison and competition. I learn that creation is a joyful connection with the heart of the creator, more than with the consumer.

“The creative adult is the child who has survived.” Ursula K. Le Guin