Guidepost 2: Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionism
Perfect. Perfectionist. Perfectionism.
Words we often use without realising the scars they leave behind. The sad truth is that many of us who struggle with these concepts began forming their roots in childhood. We were constantly trying to meet the expectations of the adults around us—figuring out what they needed, what made them criticise us, what we did that was inadequate, and what about us was unacceptable. This constant questioning meant we were endlessly trying to please the adults in our lives. These patterns became embedded in our neural pathways, which is why we continue to live with these expectations, often unaware of the toll they take on us.
In adulthood, perfectionism manifests in various ways. It affects how we look, speak, act and people-please, as well as our achievements, like career success, sports, material wealth, and even our health comparisons. Perfectionism is the deeply ingrained belief that if we look and act perfectly, we can avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.
For example, in the workplace, creativity is stunted because people stick to certain strategies to avoid blame, even if they could improve them. If you dress a certain way or prioritise others' needs over your own, you won't be judged as selfish, even if it means neglecting your own needs. If you follow the norm in pregnancy and parenting, you won't be shamed if things change or if your child appears different.
Perfectionism is a shield we use for protection, but it generates more pain. Isn't it bizarre that none of these measures of perfection relate to how we are as human beings? They have nothing to do with how we can healthily relate to each other in our shared humanity.
Children who are praised for their performance, manners, and ease of fitting into adult expectations often associate perfectionism as the way to be. Every adult struggling with this can trace it back to childhood. It's a limiting belief that forms early on. The belief that "I need to be perfect" leads a child to dissociate from self-acceptance and seek external approval, beginning the cycle of self-abandonment.
Research shows that perfectionism doesn't contribute to success, happiness, joy, or gratitude. Instead, it increases anxiety, depression, addictions, and other negative feelings and mental health issues. As parents, we need to examine how we enforce perfectionism on ourselves. We must remember that as long as our children share life and space with us, these traits aren't contained in a vacuum. They seep through unconsciously, and we may pass them down to our children. Thankfully, mental health issues are now widely recognised and various programs offer support. As parents, if we identify detrimental parenting modes, we must find ways to help ourselves and lessen the burden of rectification we unconsciously place on our children.
I didn't realise I suffered from perfectionism until after becoming a parent. I was always running around, ensuring everything was spotless. This was easy without children, but once I became a parent, it was difficult. Perfectionism is addictive. Instead of questioning why I had this expectation, even when extremely tired, I enforced the need for a perfect house more and more, especially during the COVID days. While busy with this, I felt more stressed and was physically present for my child but not emotionally. I didn't realise the impact of my perfectionism until years later when my child spilled tea on the floor, table and chair. She approached me, as if in hesitation explaining what had happened. Her expression was of surprise when I calmly suggested we clean it together. When I asked why she was so nervous, she said she thought I'd be annoyed about the mess. This incident made me realise she had internalised my behaviour as "it's not okay to have any mess" and everything needs to be spotless. Interestingly, I had been practicing self-compassion for 2.5 years before this incident, yet it was the first time I noticed the impact of my perfectionist tendencies at home.
In the grand scheme, this was a small incident. I can't imagine the expectations I'd impart if I remained unaware of all the ways perfectionism manifests. I recognise the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism. Teaching children to strive healthily for their desires is more beneficial for self-acceptance and self-awareness than perfectionism. There's a difference between improving and performing well in a sport for joy and growth versus seeking approval or affection as a way to feel loved by parents.
How does one begin to shift this?
Compassion - be compassionate with yourself by employing the three key elements as discovered by Dr Kristin Neff a researcher and professor at the University of Texas, Austin, USA. She lists them as self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.
She goes into details of their definitions at https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/
Self-kindness vs Self-judgment
“Self-compassion means being kind and understanding toward ourselves when e super, fail or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism. We’re warm and supportive when confronted with the imperfection of life rather than cold or harsh. We’re helpful and encouraging, like a good friend, coach or mentor would be. This inner support allows us to feel safe and puts us in a better frame of mind to cope with challenges or make needed changes in our lives.”Common humanity vs Isolation
"Self-compassion is rooted in our common humanity. When we struggle or make mistakes, there’s often an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation – as if “I” were the only person in the world having this painful experience. All humans suffer, however. Not the same way or the same amount, but the very definition of being “human” means being vulnerable, flawed and imperfect. When we are self-compassionate, we recognise that our suffering connects us rather than separates us from others.”Mindfulness vs Over-identification
Self-compassion requires taking a balanced, mindful approach to our suffering so that we neither suppress or exaggerate it. Treating ourselves like we would a friend means we step outside our usual way of looking at things, putting our own situation into better perspective. Mindfulness allows us to turn toward our pain with acceptance of the present moment reality. It prevents us from becoming “over-identified” with difficult thoughts and feelings, so we aren’t swept away by negative reactivity.
Reflecting on my story, I didn't realise my obsession isolated me as I felt time slipping away. The more I did, the more stressed I became, missing out on emotional connection with my child. Dr. Kristin's work has been a great help, and I'm grateful for her insights. With her practices, I'm better at identifying this gremlin and most importantly, repairing the unconscious impact on my children.
As Margaret Fringe Keyes writes in her book, “Emotions and the Enneagram: Working Through your Shadow Life Script”, when one identifies with the point of ‘I need to be perfect’ their life task is to achieve a sense of serenity with a body secure in its capacities. As projections are worked through and resentment has been tamed, compassion becomes possible.