Guidepost 7 — Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth
So there I was, minding my own business, reading this book when I stumbled upon a line that hit me hard, like a slap in the face.
“The opposite of play is not work—the opposite of play is depression.”
Huh? Who is this guy and what is he talking about? Naturally, I did some digging and found a TEDx talk by him from 2008. Watch it here. It's quite an interesting talk—I highly recommend it.
Dr. Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play, is also a psychiatrist and clinical researcher. Interestingly, his work in play research began through a negative occurrence—being a member of the Charles Whitman commission. Yet, the results have been eye-opening, allowing him to do much more in the field of play. So much so that he has helped Fortune 100 companies expand their views on employee creativity and productivity. But I digress. If you’re interested, watch the TEDx talk; perhaps you will receive a gem like I did. I walked away with the term “Neoteny,” meaning the retention of immature qualities into adulthood.
Every parent has a long to-do list. Among our adult responsibilities we also have numerous duties in relation to our children. This list can vary depending on the child's age, health, or the presence of siblings. Do most parents consider play as an important aspect to their wellbeing? I’d wager a majority would answer ‘no’. We tend to do things we need to do, like getting our children outside to play out of necessity for their health, rather than thinking, “I’m going to the park to play with them,” or maybe it’s just me?
Reflecting on my childhood, I realised I don't recall my parents engaging in 'immature' play with me. I remember fairs, parks, and horse-riding, but the participants were always other children. I also had the privilege of playing outside as much as I wanted with my peers as it was always safe. My parents, might have played with me in my early childhood, before my hippocampus and frontoparietal regions fully developed but my best recollection of play is in my later childhood. I have no memory recollection of age 9 and over, where my parents engaged in playful activity with myself or for themselves. This isn't a criticism but a reflection on how, as we grow, we don't play for the sake of it. People often say, "I'm going to play football or squash to stay fit or reduce cholesterol." Even if they enjoy it, it seems more acceptable if there's a justified reason for engaging in it.
Dr. Brown's TEDx talk (link above) begins by comparing a Sunday New York Times magazine cover to a 15th-century courtyard picture. The magazine cover only had children to emphasise the importance of play, yet the 15th Century courtyard picture in Europe had a mix of 124 different kinds of play with all ages of people. He said “I think we may have lost something in our culture.” Sadly, I agree. We've adjusted to a world focused solely on productivity, forgetting that play is vital to our well-being.
I am certainly guilty on this. Viewing time as something to make productive activity out of, where play for the sake of it, is seldom considered productive. If you’ve read my blog post; Guidepost 2 - Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting go of Perfectionism, you’ll see the relation. As life got busier with children, I played less. Did it make everything better, nope! It made things worse from a health perspective.
I realise that, as a mother, when my children were younger, up to age 3, it was easy to engage in play with them. It was soft play but as they grew, they became more daring. My back pain doesn’t allow for boisterous play, so I encourage them to, and backpain does not allow that so I encourage them to play with each other and get rough-and-tumble play with dad (it's only fair, as he didn't get a wrecked back from pregnancy, lol).
Children need a lot of play, particularly when they are younger as social play is a necessity to ‘fit-in’, relationally, with other children. Play is rich ground for children to learn key life lessons such as
Nurturing their emotional regularity
Explore levels of their creativity
Learn ways to adapt i.e. boost adaptability
Learn and improve problem-solving methods
Strengthen neural connections in their brains —which are critical for learning and
Importantly, play helps prevent depression.
All these benefits are crucial to every stage we go through in life from childhood to adulthood.
Dr Brown’s TEDx talk, reminded me that play is more than a childhood pastime. It fundamentally shapes brain development, creativity and problem-solving skills across a lifetime. Research shows that depriving play in animals and humans leads to cognitive and emotional deficits, even linking lack of play to troubling adult behaviour. Clearly, play fosters adaptability, trust and lifelong well-being.
Similar to the requirement of play in our lives for wholehearted living, is the need to rest too. As parents, our long lists often keep running in our minds even in bed. Despite knowing how vital rest is, we have normalised overstretching ourselves, promising rest later and somehow also passing this lesson to our children. As much as technology has favoured us in many ways by reducing the amount of time-consuming work we engage in, we seem to have decided that accomplishments and acquisitions are sources of joy. It's crucial for parents to recognise that neglecting rest becomes a blueprint for our children. For instance, some children experience anxiety, stemming from packed schedules which leaving little time for relaxation and unstructured play, leading to burnout. It is an absolute necessity to have the necessary downtime for mental and emotional recovery. If activities are pressured, they lose the joy of learning.
As parents, it’s important to sit down and review all the activities we engage in, ours and our children’s. Admittedly, we all have the things we need to do for survival and to fit-in’ but with some specificity, we should review our list through the lens of joy and meaning. Beyond survival, what play do we engage in for its own sake and how do we incorporate rest to our days?
I view play and rest through the Japanese concept of Ikigai. Being able to live your life with a purpose and meaning yet fulfilled with joy.
“We are fully human only while playing and we play only when we are human in the truest sense of the word.” Rudolf Steiner