Guidepost 8 — Cultivating Calm and Stillness: Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle

Anxiety is a normal emotion we all experience in various ways. It becomes a disorder when it is excessive, persistent, and interferes with our daily lives. As a new parent, I've learned firsthand how easily one can slip into a deeper trench of anxiety. Concerns about the birth process, the baby's sleeping position, breastfeeding difficulties, chores, finances, seeking help, emotional state, and past traumas can all impact our anxiety levels. When anxiety exceeds normal limits—manifesting as restlessness, trouble concentrating or sleeping, and physical symptoms like a racing heart, sweating, and trembling—we're struggling. While some anxiety is normal, excessive anxiety is detrimental to our infants. Research shows that infants are sensitive to our emotions and parental stress can lead to stress in infants too.

I often wonder how easy it is for parents, especially new ones, to adopt the global phenomenon "Keep Calm and Carry On," which originated from the British government in 1939. From experience, I have found it’s easier said than done, yet it makes sense in approaching parenthood. As a parent, nothing about the future—whether the next minute, hour, or day—is guaranteed. Overthinking doesn't help, as decisions are mostly made based on present information.

I became a mother for the first time during the onset of Covid-19. There were many moments when my anxiety levels were higher than usual. I had to help myself as help wasn't readily available before the government clarified who was a key worker and how to get assistance. Even though that dire period is behind us, I now understand why it's crucial to be aware of your actions as a parent when anxiety starts to build. Regardless of your children's age, there will always be something to worry about—illnesses, cot death, peers, drugs, the internet, bullying, eating disorders, and more. Add to that the stresses many of us face from family, employment, finances, chores and relationship strains, I mean….the list goes on.

I didn't realise the importance of having a healthy relationship with anxiety until I became a parent. The fact that my emotional state and stress levels affect my child was surprising. It's easy to think these can be separated, but children, in their purest form of innocence, sense when something is off more than we realise. As psychologist and writer Harriet Lerner says, "Anxiety is extremely contagious, but so is calm." It's vital to reflect on what truly helps us stay calm without inducing additional anxiety.

Taking Dr. Lerner's advice, it's important for parents to find ways to manage anxiety. We spend so much time with our children that if we don't manage our anxiety, they may develop their own anxieties without knowing how to handle them.

Practicing calmness and stillness are great ways to manage anxiety. For instance, I've always enjoyed walking. On holidays, my favourite excursions were exploring cities or towns on foot. I didn't realise then that walking was a way to practice calmness. It reduces stress, improves mood, strengthens muscles, and boosts physical health. I remember key moments when walking with my baby helped me feel calm, and it became something I looked forward to. It also became an expectation for my child. At toddler age, when I was busy with chores, she'd gather our shoes and tell me it was time. I loved it because, although she couldn't speak clearly, she made it clear through her actions that it was an important activity. Looking back, I'm grateful to have had a toddler unknowingly helping me manage anxiety.

Calmness and stillness are different. Calmness involves creating perspective and being mindful while managing emotional reactivity. Stillness is about creating a clearing—an emotionally clutter-free space to feel, think, dream, and question.

Interestingly, I've found that practicing calmness makes it easier to tap into stillness. I do this in various ways. Some days, when I'm emotionally reactive, I journal. This helps calm me, and I finish by meditating for 5-10 minutes with a mantra. Other days, simply stepping into the shower brings me stillness.

We all have different ways to find calm and stillness. I recommend starting by asking yourself, "What do I enjoy?" Extract something healthy from that enjoyment and see how it affects your emotions, especially when feeling reactive. Some people choose to stay busy, but this doesn't necessarily help manage anxiety; it just pushes it aside. As we now know, the body keeps score. Anxiety doesn't disappear; it compounds and eventually catches up with us. It's better to find a way to manage it so that it can coexist with us as we lead as normal a life as possible.

To better understand your actions in anxious moments, read Harriet Lerner's book, "The Dance of Connection." It helps you determine whether you overfunction or underfunction in anxious moments. Dr. Lerner's words guide us to realise that our anxiety-handling patterns aren't about who we are, but rather a way to understand that change is possible. An overfunctioner can embrace vulnerabilities, and an underfunctioner can amplify strengths.

“Being in touch with our bodies, or more accurately, being our bodies is how we know what is true.” Harriet Lerner