Guidepost 9 — Cultivating Meaningful Work: Letting Go of Self-Doubt and ‘Supposed to’

Meaningful work, in the universally understood sense, is often referred to as 'having a job'—something we wake up for and head to for a number of days or hours each week, expecting a salary at some point in the month. It's rarely considered what you do with your gifts and talents, which many people see as mere dreams. More often than not, when someone describes making meaningful work out of their gifts and talents, they are met with apprehension and advised to be realistic about earning a living. Is it stable, sustainable, secure? The second-guessing factors continue. It's rare to meet people who recognise work stemming from a person's unique talent as meaningful unless it carries a monetary value proving extravagance.

I was once among those who didn't appreciate the many facets from which 'meaningful work' can be derived. It took meeting different people and consuming various materials to fully understand that meaningful work is what you do when you feel a calling or a sense of accomplishment from your work. For instance, reading books by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso helped me understand how meaningful work can take different forms in us. Geshe’s books, often found in Buddhist or spirituality spaces, have been helpful in all walks of life, especially parenting and understanding love. In "The Eight Steps of Happiness," Geshe writes:

"The love parents generally feel for their children, for example, is deep and genuine, but it is not always pure love. Mixed with it are feelings such as the need to feel loved and appreciated in return, the belief that their children are somehow part of them, a desire to impress other people through their children, and the hope that their children will in some way fulfil their parents’ ambitions and dreams."

There's so much truth in these words, and I'm sure most of us can relate to the 'supposed to’s' placed on us from a young age. I've spent many years enjoying being an engineer, admittedly reaching that point through numerous parental expectations. I was 'supposed to' finish school successfully, then head to university to take a course matching my smarts and leading to a job. Then I was 'supposed to' find someone, get married, and start a family. The list varies for us all but is similarly loaded with 'supposed tos' and expectations. Amid these expectations, both parents had different ones that didn’t match each other’s, adding another layer of decision-making to appease one and disappoint the other. It’s endless. Within families, we engage with this because, for one reason or another, we've come to understand and accept it as a form of love. It has its benefits, as it drove my ambition, but I also recognise the detriment.

Since becoming a parent, and consciously noticing my triggers, I have come to realise the importance of acceptance without expectation. This is what pure unconditional love is for my children—a love that brings peace and joy, never pain or worry. It's our duty as parents to create an environment where our child can lean into their gifts and talents without concern for how it reflects on us. If they lean towards something we're also gifted in, we should let them explore it through their own genius, rather than tainting the experience with our perspective. When they trust they can explore their gifts and talents from their inner selves, they begin building the confidence needed to let go of societal expectations and overcome self-doubt.

Before parenthood, I considered everything I did as meaningful. At its peak, my career as an Electrical Power Engineer was my most meaningful work. Yet, I often felt there was something else I should be doing (related to writing), but I dismissed it as I couldn’t monetise it and therefore it was pointless. Now, I enjoy reading, writing and sharing my thoughts purely for enjoyment, with no monetary expectation. I finally understand the joy of feeling a 'sense of accomplishment' without pressure.

Reflecting on finding meaningful work, I often wonder how many 'supposed tos' I've unintentionally placed on my children. Am I encouraging them to explore their gifts and talents as they wish? Do I interfere by inserting my views, especially when they differ from mine or societal norms? Can I offer guidance without interference; yet imparting wisdom? Can I offer correction while maintaining order without discouragement? These questions are endless. I find that it takes patience, trust and love for them, and compassion for the child in me who perhaps lacked the freedom to explore.

Today, when someone asks, "What do you do?" I sometimes feel an internal conflict. I'm accustomed to the question probing my career, reducing me to just that part. While my career has been fulfilling at times, when I think of meaningful work, particularly their contribution to my parenting, I think of reading, writing, and dancing, which have also been healing. I've fought self-doubt to reach this point—and still do daily. As a parent, I want to give my children a head start, allowing them to connect with their gifts and talents, appreciating their meaning regardless of external rewards or views.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”Howard Thurman